Sometimes Urkels Get Beasty Too

Remember late Urkel? When Jaleel White was bodybuilding and posing for calendars but they STILL put him in the urkel costume?
FUCK that was creepy.
Well sometimes Urkels have to get beasty.
What do I hate about roller derby right now? Not a whole lot of skating. Skate, chase, hit, flee, that is what I want.
But LORD that is not the game. The game now starts with walls. I SUCK in the wall. I wonder if I can hide it a little bit though, because I can plow stop like a motherfucker. In 5 feet, maybe 3 with motivation. But then I can be steamrolled out of the wall like my wheels are greased. What gives yo?
I got some expert advice from the lovelies over at the Boston Derby Dames. Basically my problem is that my knees point straight at each other when I plow stop. The answer? Strength training, duh, especially my posterior chain. i.e. butts and hamstrings. Pretty much everyone has an anterior/posterior imbalance, and ironically the most active people are the most imbalanced too. Your average couch blob has quads that are maybe 30% stronger than the hammies. A skater who doesn't cross train? Oh, maybe 120%. Or more. Which means that only certain muscles (the strong ones, duh) are recruited for any given movement while the weak ones get even weaker.
My quads are decent. My abductor/adductors are freakishly strong. My hammies are weak noodles. My glutes are okay but don't play well with others. All these things add up to a knock kneed disaster, if some banging eggshells.
Culprit at the moment for me: I did what I want, Cartman style. Lots of scrimmaging, lots of running, pretty much NO weight training. Whoops. Well, also nerve and muscular damage from a long-running spinal horro show but there is not changing the past.
 So I am a few weeks into the new plan and refining it: 20 minutes (NO MORE), but 3 times a week. So far it is going well.
The exercises (functional, compound, and posterior emphasized):
At home - equipment is an 8 pound medball, 15 pound kettlebell, BOSU, and standing bag:
Kettlebell swings (hip hinge) - due to light weight, these are "switch swings" and pretty aerobic
Good mornings
BOSU split squats
BOSU up-and-over walking lunge
BOSU girlie push-up
BOSU boat
BOSU Russian twist
BOSU sumo squate
BOSU balance squat (flat side)
BOSU one-foot balance (both sides)
Medball slams - due to light weight, catch with one hand and flip over basketball-style to work those triceps
Goblet squat to overhead press
Blocking from a squat to the heavy bag

While supplies last - well fuck I gotta hurry!

http://wftda.com/store/wftda/item/55090002

Why bout-by-bout rostering is good for a charter

For its first two years, my home league has done a 14 + alts structure for its two competitive teams. This has one positive aspect - a skater who works hard and maintains all requirements does not need to be worried about being bumped. And....that is about it.  We could argue consistency, but odds are that between injuries and life changes it would be fortuitous indeed for even 14 of an original wftda charter to make it to season's end without interruption.
The (probably predictable) issue that comes up time and time again - captains and coaches basically pulling teeth for a good chunk of their roster to so much as make minimum requirements (showing up to 3/4 of practices, paying attention, trying hard, or even being on skates not required. People frequently just babysit the league president's dog.  And still their team leadership is babysitting grown-ass (and in some cases flat out middle aged) women, prodding them to take some responsibility for themselves.
That is just sad on so many levels.
Every game roster has room for 14 players and 2 alternates.  What that means?  In a bad situation, it means that if you are stuck with an unholy flake who can't manage her life, you can just do without her.  No mommying bullshit.  Eventually she will either step it up or open a spot to someone who can handle it.
But let's move past that and assume the best.  For one thing, this allows people to deal with both good and  life events outside of derby WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY.  Wedding?  Grandma died?  We are covered, the selections will just be made from a smaller pool.  Same for resting from "minor" injuries.
And let's move on and consider a scenario in which you have 19 or even 20 healthy skaters who are making attendance.  Let's assume you are playing a team known to be extremely skilled at pack manipulation, specifically goading and thinning through forcing blocker cuts.  A skater with poor rules knowledge?  Can't use her because she will cut and destroy the pack like crazy.  Same for a blocker who doesn't push herself to navigate hostile packs.  Does having this "sorry, not this time" conversation suck?  Sure.  Well, kind of.
This forces EVERYONE (leadership and skaters) to be aware of each skater's strengths and weaknesses.  Whoa then.  Chances to improve?  Useful information in making line-ups and individual progression plans?  Good things, all.

6.10.13.4 - The Slam and Sprint - Magical but Impractical

So let's take another look at 6.10.13.4, which dictates that when only one team of blockers is present on the track, they accelerate until sprinting or the pack can reform. This was obviously designed to punish "last jam" power jam scenarios of intentional skating out of bounds to prevent any defense whatsoever. But, but! Okay! Hitting all the blockers of the other team out of bounds is NOT pack destruction even if it destroys the pack, as hitting is "normal gamaplay". So, theoretically, the defending blockers could slam the conga line out of bounds, then print away before they could return. Yes? YES! Nearly impossible to execute, and odds are the refs wouldn't know what on earth was going on. But theroetically, yes, a magical counter to passive offense that is also sweet, sweet retribution for bitches who won't skate. Thank you and Amen.

6.10.13.4 Out of Play - Not Running Away

Major Penalty If the out-of-play action has a measurable consequence for the game it is a major penalty.
6.10.13.4 During a no-pack scenario, if all of one team is out of bounds, the team on the track must skate forward, accelerating until they are sprinting, a pack has reformed, or a member of the opposing team may legally return to the track behind them.  Has this ever been assessed? Out of play major....for not running away at top speed? What the holy fucking hell does all of this mean? Where did this come from? Here is a hint (I think):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Au5BQvC-mmQ
What a time capsule! The angry teapot, given for someone....brushing an opponent during an apex jump.
 My favorite part is when the NYSE blocker comes out of the box and SHOVES an opposing blocker.
That and the high-five line amid hearty boos. But if you catch it, on one of the passes, with two blockers already sent off for destruction, one NYSE blocker skates out of bounds entirely and grabs his teammate, pulling him off too.
 NO PACK. Yep.
So I believe this rule was developed to ALLOW the other blockers in this scenario to sprint forward if this occurs. However, it is written and positioned in the ruleset in such a way that a team not savvy enough to
1) know this rule,
2) understand this rule, and
3) realize that the other team has left the track in sufficient time to react
and therefore doesn't take advantage of it will LOSE A BLOCKER FOR A MINUTE. This is utter fucking madness.

Backwards Blocking

I gotta be honest, I am not a fan.
1) It exposes big juicy target zones.
2) It is WAY too easy to dig in so hard that you either get a direction penalty or the target pops off and you fall terribly.
3) Unskilled people working a tripod often end up going for the neck, yikes.

Pinches and Probes - How Far is Too Far?

In the immortal words of cobrakaiderbycoach, one effect of the current ruleset is "free butt pinches, all bout long. all. bout long." Well, yes, but...proceed with caution or you may get an angry teapot (jokes, we know the angry teapot went the way of "booty", I for once mourn it).
Angry teapot qualifiers:
Major Misconduct: 6.16.8 The use of obscene, profane, or abusive language or gestures directed at a mascot, announcer, audience member, or other bout production individuals.
6.16.9 The excessive use of obscene, profane, or abusive language or gestures directed at an opposing skater, teammate, manager, coach, or other team support staff.
Expulsion 6.16.13 The repeated use of obscene, profane, or abusive language or gestures directed at a mascot, announcer, audience member, or other bout production individuals.
6.16.14 The repetitive and excessive use of obscene, profane, or abusive language or gestures directed at an opposing skater, teammate, manager, coach, or other support staff.
Interestingly, I believe that earlier version of the rules mentioned officials specifically in 6.16.8 and 6.16.13; perhaps this is under another umbrella and I haven't parsed it yet, although officials could be included under "bout production". Even more interestingly, there is no "no impact no penalty provision" here. Crazily, the only thing that allows for expulsion is that the action is REPEATED, not that it is "excessive", unless:
 6.16.18 Serious physical violence or any action deemed by the officials to cause an extraordinary physical threat.
So this is cloudy at best especially when applied to physical actions towards an opponent. Urkel will take a stab at it.
Light slaps, smacks, pokes and pinches to the buttocks - ain't no thang.
Blocking with crotch (straddle blocking) - have at it.
Blocking to the crotch with legal zones - I have trouble picturing this, but okay. Guys, wear a cup.
Definitive crotch or breast grabs - 6.16.9.
And, lord help us, probing. Intentional targeting of precious orifices. Urkel will call this a 6.16.18 because the doorways to our bodies are precious and a mystical combination of fragile and resilient.